Katy-Pants Rants & Potentially Enlightening Stuff

What's Important...

2011-11-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Work

2011-10-13T18:18:00.000-07:00

So, I don't think I've ever disclosed what I really do for work.

Despite every cell of my person and beliefs, I work for "the man" and am somewhat thriving because of this terribly economy.

I work in Default Law. This means my firm acts when someone defaults and we are hired by almost every bank in the nation, and several internationally. Specifically, I'm speaking about mortgages; I foreclose and evict people from their homes.

What I do is a necessary evil. If people do not pay for what they have a loan against, they lose it. It's not only homes that this applies to, it's cars, shit, I bet you could even get a pet repo'd if the situation was financially agreeable to a client. But personally, I foreclose and evict.

It sucks.

I thought this form of law would have been better because there is no gray area. If you don't pay you lose.

I used to work in other areas of law and there was a lot of gray area. A family who gave an at home, 3rd trimester, abortion and hid the fetus near the dryer. A woman who claimed rape against a 20 year veteran of the police force who had not a single complaint against him. A man who had a auto claim every six months and did not work because of his "job" (being sueing people for bogus car accidents). A woman whose boyfriend killed her son... but wouldn't testify to it. A wife who distributed her husband's ashes... without telling his adult son and daughter, and taking that moment of love and closure from them.

I would sit through depositions where I KNEW our client was at fault, lying, or completely, even for the time being, ruining another's life for their own personal gain. I thought that my taking this position almost 5 years ago, that I was at least taking a route that was always right.

What I didn't anticipate was how out of control this industry is.

I have spoken to wives with children when the husband was the breadwinner, and died. I have spoken to people who have been diagnosed with terminal cancer and effectively foreclosed and evicted them.

The worst account, by far, was that of a man. We foreclosed this property in Maine. Throughout the entire process we were never contacted, which we usually take as the property being vacant. After the entire legal process, we obtain the document from the Court giving us the power to forecully evict, literally physically removing the person from the property. I obtained this document from the Court, and the day before the final step of rekeying and physical removal fom the property, I was contacted by a man. He was the former borrower for this property. He was in Iraq fighting during the foreclosure. He was injured by a roadside bomb. He had one leg entirely blown off, and was scheduled to have his other leg amputated the following week. He had no idea his home was being foreclosed on as he was sending all of his pay to his wife to take care of everything at home. While I was speaking with him and taking all this in, he began to cry. He was a strong man, who fought in this war, protected this country, and lost his physical ability to walk... and he was crying. I couldn't take it. Then I heard a child. I asked him if there were children in the property; there were. He came home, lost a leg and was losing his other leg shortly, and found his home foreclosed, a note from his wife saying she left and couldn't take it, and 3 children, ages 2 to 6... home alone.

There was a happy ending to this story. This particular bank *gave* the property back to the former borrower, although there was still another $70,000 still owed on the property. We both cried in happiness.

However, this situation is not typical.

My job is not enjoyable.

The only thing that gets me through the day is helping those I can, and being as helpful as humanly possible with every referral I receive.

I take pride in the fact that although I work in a terrible form of law, I know I do my job better than anyone else; not in the manner that I "just" do my job, but that I help every person and look out for their best interest. I try to help every single person that I come in contact with...

and that's the only thing that helps me sleep at night.

Happiness :)

2011-10-13T18:11:00.000-07:00

I suck. So hard.

2011-08-30T17:33:00.000-07:00

I have realized what my issue is.

I typically only want to update and blog when I have what I think is a gem, or something worthwhile of both my and someone else's time. The truth is, a lot of what I see, think, do and want to share, really isn't that great. This leads me to NEVER update my blog for fear that my update isn't liquid gold.

Fuck that.

I am going to start updating this bitch just like I do my FB.

Little things, little thoughts, little cartoons, and shit that make me giggle.

Yeah :)

I do not turn to stone.

2011-01-26T17:04:00.000-08:00

I am not your monument of lack
I am an ocean; deep and complicated
Rolling waves like time
Through hair and breath and skin
That cover over where I've cracked
And pieced myself back together
There is no undoing what I have done
But all those things belong to me

I am every hand that I have allowed to touch me
Every curious whisper of a finger
Every bed that I fell asleep in that was not mine
I am the fear that keeps me wide awake
Nested next to every smile from familiar lips
Each laugh that skydives off a mouth

I am that fullness that comes with understanding
Who you are and what you love
I am every aching nagging time
My mind insists "you are where you belong"
I am whole
Reassured to know I won't outgrow this being

I have retreated to the darker corners of my mapless mind
And I am filling in the ditches as I find them

I will not become the things you are not
I can look you in the eye and stand my ground without my sholders stooping

I want you to know the secret spaces in me
That I haven't made my peace with yet

I can gaze into a mirror without turning away

I do not flinch

I do not turn to stone.

I am such a complete slacker that it is not even funny...

2010-12-30T20:39:00.000-08:00

Jehsus... my last post was in May on last year. That is disgraceful.

I have a lot to tell. Lots of updates. I can't think of any right now. Mostly because I burned my finger tonight while loading the woodstove. And it is burning and crispy.

I swear on the little swweeehat bahbey jehsus, that I will update this bizznatch ASAP. Probably the day after tomorrow.

I cannot guarentee that it will be amazing or entertaining. LOL no sah, it will be funny. But foh realz, this is retarded. I am updating this thing like a normal blogger and you will enjoy it.

Fuckin a.

I'm tired. Goin' to bed.

G'night chy'all.

<3 Meeee

Nightmares...

2010-05-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

I have been having trouble sleeping again, more nightmares… This time instead of demons or werewolves, my dreams are being invaded by something far more sinister…
Sharon Stone.

I know, pretty awful right? But this past night I had two separate dreams, both involving the horror, that is, Sharon Stone…

The first one involved me being trapped in a space ship or submarine type vehicle with her. She was crazy and killing off the crew with these stiff and sticky tiny blue strings she had coming out of the palms of her hands… They were coated with poison and barbed and she would sneak up behind people and touch them and one would pull off and stick into their skin and they would die…

Now to get around she was popping off the front of all the heating and air vents and sliding into the duct work like a snake… She would pop her face out and look around and come out and kill people…

So we installed these sweeping lasers to try to find her and when they went off we all had to hold perfectly still while they searched for the menace that is, Sharon Stone… At one point in my dream I was near a row of cat boxes and had to lay down on the floor for the laser to go over me, and while I lay there with my face near a box of doodie I thought, "That fucking Sharon Stone is going to pay for this. I am going to kill that bitch."

So I went to a room and lay on the floor to play dead, and I saw her starting to come out of the air vent and she looked at me and said, "Are you dead?" I sat up and said, "Yes I am, come on in." And of course being that it is Sharon Stone, she totally believed me and came slithering in…

At that point Malichai and the kittens woke me up so they could attack my face.

Yeah, they look all little and sweet and innocent there, but in five weeks from the time of this photo, they were little hellions that liked to attack my eyes during my REM sleep which was always a treat.

Anyhow, I moved them nicely away from my face with their razor claws still attached to my lip and forehead… Well, 8 am and me are just not buddies… So I went back to sleep only to be taunted by more horrid images of her…

This time I was running a strip club, and Sharon showed up there to dance to help promote her newest porno, oh I mean movie, Basic Instinct 2… She wore red hot pants and she talked very loud, like a drunken grandmother… Shrieking every thing she said and insisting I go buy her cheeseburgers... but I had no car and I was not willing to walk to buy her any.

Then I told her how my dad was really looking forward to seeing her new movie, because he is 55 and that is the same age as her tits.

Mercifully, I woke up at that point, before my father could show up to oogle Sharon's boobies…

But really people, I dare you to look into the face of Sharon Stone and not have nightmares about her… I double dare you… Go ahead, Google her…

Sweet dreams…

Oh and in case you think I am being a little rough on poor old Sharon, here are a few words of wisdom from her concerning sex, teens and date rape:

"Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them what I believe. Oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

I went for a breast exam once...

2010-05-20T16:49:00.000-07:00

I went for a breast exam once. I was young and paranoid. I was not in Rhode Island, which means that it was no surprise when the technician walked in and I thought that she could just as well have been serving me hot wings at Hooters. When I untied my gown, and revealed myself from the waste up; she clapped.

"I'm so psyched!" she squealed. "You're breasts are nice and small! You're going to be so easy! The last woman I had -" she cupped her hands and let them sway and dangle around her waist, "- was, like, huge. It was a nightmare. And the woman before her was at least a C, if not a D - but yours are so nice! You made my day!"

I wondered if she said this because she really meant it, or because she felt bad in some sort of way and thought that these words would make me feel better. She obviously was not aware that I thought that I had breast cancer.

After she was finished and told me I was fine with a ridiculous smile as though she had saved the world, she sat down with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" I asked, although I really did not care.

"All of my friends are getting married…" and she trailed off and shook her head.

"Well, um… how old are you?"

"Twenty-eight! I mean! Well, how old are you?!"

"I'm nineteen. It's on my sheet… that's in your hand." I replied wondering how the HELL this woman was in charge of examining me and coming up with a diagnosis.

"Nineteen! And you're in here and, like, wanting someone to look for breast lumps?!?"

I tried to ignore her improper English.

"C'mon girl! You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm just, this old wives maid…"

I hate it when people fish for compliments. It makes me feel like a Magic 8 Ball - shake me enough, and maybe I'll give you the right answer, phrase, you are looking for.

"Nooooo, you're not an old wives maid! You're beautiful." I can't believe that I am saying this. What I wanted to say is 'no, you're not. But you are an amazing moron that has no idea what to say in a professional situation and I cant IMAGINE what you are like in public.

"You're just saying that…" as she looked away, wishing for more compliments.

"I have to go. I am sorry. Thanks for… um… checking me out."

I decided to get away. More away. It wasn't going to be the romantic getaway that I had previously wanted: a tour of the French vineyards, where a young Frenchmen says, "we enjoy ze wine now, and zen later, time for love, no?" But it was something. Something much better. A backpacking trip through Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia. For many people, this would be nightmare. For me, this would be an adventure.

On the plane, I sat next to a woman in a Mandarin collared business suit with pale, chubby hands she couldn't keep still. She fiddled with several different ways to roll her blanket into a bolster that may support her back. She went through a dozen sticks of sugarless gum. She fluffed and poked at the manic, dark curls of hair that rose out of her head like flames.

The pilot introduced himself as "Capt'n Dave", He said that we should consider the crew our family in the sky. Then, what was clearly an effort to put everyone on board at ease, he launched into a rousing rendition of "Oh, Suzanna" on the harmonica.

Smiling, I said to the woman, "That was so great, wasn't it?"

She shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I just hope he's not drunk. You know, a lot of pilots are alcoholics."

I wanted to strangle her for saying that. Like she knew what would piss me off at that moment. Like she knew that my dad is a pilot… and that he is an alcoholic… Like she wanted to take her jagged fingernails and rip a hole in my stomach and pour salt in it and grind it with a mortar.

She must have notice my pupils shrink and eyes narrow.

"Usually, I, ah, really don't like flying. I was on a plane the day 9-11 happened."

Oh. That makes you special. It's almost like YOU WERE ON THE PLANE, right? How many people were on a plane that day? Thousands. You are pathetic, I though.

"Oh, that must have been tough." and I could tell she could sense my agitation.

"Could I have your blanket? I just can't get comfortable." She said as her eyes darted back and forth.

"Sure." and I tried to make kind eye contact as I realized that she was just an idiot and I didn't want to be mean to a stranger.

She went on to describe her many health problems she had endured over the years. They were minor things; a tipped uterus, high cholesterol, an allergy to pigeons. This was when I realized that as bad as it is to sit next to someone who wants to chat the whole flight, it's even worse to sit next to someone who, it seems, wants a hug. This poor woman, I thought, that is until she said: "Are you traveling alone too?"

And there it was: the word "too". As in "also", as in "look at what we have in common!". I wanted to say, "no no no no no, please don't try and lump us together. My compassion for you is based on pity, not on camaraderie."

"Sort of," I explained that I was beginning a backpacking trip in southeast Asia.

"You didn't want to bring a friend?" she asked, sharply.

"I wanted to go now, and I didn't want to wait."

She fluttered her eyes, "I'm sure you get this all the time too, but everyone tells me they can't understand it. They say "what is wrong with this world? How can you be single? You're a beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, sensual woman." and I say, "it's not me, it's the men out there." "Do you get that all the time too?"

At that moment, had the cockpit door not been so tightly locked, I'm sure I would have jumped.

I got to Thailand fine. I didn't jump.

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 5 - Priorities

2010-03-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

Priorities are a funny thing. Every day we set them whether we mean to or not. For example; I will be running late for work and I need both gas and cigarettes, but do not have time for both. You can bet your bottom dollar I am getting smokes. Why? Because if I happen to run out of gas (which hasn’t happened yet), at least I will have a full pack of smokes and a decent reason as to why I am going to be late. Now, you may be reading that thinking, “How stupid. You are willing to run out of gas in order to have a pack of cigarettes? Your priorities are messed up.” I beg to differ.

But you know whose are? Go on. Guess. Wild guess. Whose priorities are messed up?

::applause:: That’s right!! Troy’s!!

Example:

We have finally, finally, finally, moved into the house (yeayy!!). Understandably, we do not have everything we need, never mind the things we merely want. Some of the “biggies” being a mirror in the bathroom, a couch, milk, bread… you get the idea.

We started our move on a Sunday morning and in all honesty, the bagging, packing and unloading took very little time, as we were essentially moving only a bedroom. Once everything was in the house we had to begin the painstaking task of deciding where everything should go, in what order things should be hung in the closet, and so on. About 15 minutes into this task Troy informs me of something that must happen:

Troy: I need to get a surround sound system.

Me: Okay. Want to check prices tonight and then… (cutoff)

Troy: No. Right now.

Me: What? Are you serious?

Troy: Yes.

Me: Have you looked around? Do you realize that there are some other, much more important things that need to be done?

Troy: You can do it. You’re better at this than I am.

Me: It’s not a matter of whether I am better at putting away clothes than you are, it is a matter of fact that they need to be put away and I don’t want to do it by myself and then have you criticize it and I know you will.

Troy: No I won’t.

Me: I don’t care. I want you to help me.

Troy: I am going to get a surround sound system.

Me: WE DON’T EVEN HAVE CABLE!! WE DON’T EVEN HAVE A DAMN TV SHOW THAT WE CAN WATCH!! NO!! I NEED YOU TO… (interrupted)

Troy: ::pulls me into him, kisses me nicely:: (a few seconds pass)………. I am going to get a surround sound system.

Me: ::sigh::

***3 hours pass*** (all the clothes are now put away in the closet and dressers)

Troy walks though the doors… empty handed…

Me: So? Where is it?

Troy: The one I wanted was broken.

Me: That took 3 hours?

Troy: I think I can have my parent’s system. They don’t use it. I am going to go get it.

Me: Damn it, Troy! I need your help with all this!!

Troy: I’ll be right back.

Me: ::sigh::

***1 hour passes*** (I have moved on and continued to sort and organize)

Troy comes home with his parent’s Bose surround system.

Me: Thank God. I could really use your help in the room.

Troy: Ok, I’ll be right in.

Quite some time passes… I go back into the living room and this is what I find:

Yes. Yes, that is Troy, sitting on the floor dicking around with the goddamned surround sound system.

So, yeah. Priorities... Mine? Not always perfectly set… but certainly not as bad as his.

Number 79 Completed from my 101 Tasks in 1001 Days!!

2010-03-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

I totally forgot to update that Number 79 has been completed from my 101 Tasks in 1001 Days!!

The Troyskis and I did, in fact, go to Thompson Speedway and had a freakin' blast and even a few adult beverages =)

Photographic proof:

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 4 - Annoying Things

2010-03-18T06:17:00.000-07:00

Every couple that I know has stories about how the “other” does all this random shit that annoys them to no end. Troy and I are no different.

Testing Items
<*>For some unknown reason, Troy ABSOLUTELY MUST “test” random items. Now by “test”, I mean he finds it necessary to physically assault it with his hand with a swift downward motion that instantly almost destroys it.

You are probably going, “huh?”.

Here is an example:

Troy enters the kitchen to notice a steak defrosting and marinating in a Ziploc bag on the countertop. He fancies around a bit looking for snacks, but his mind has been set. I lit a smoke and continue talking about my day. As soon as my attention is turned to something other than his face, WHACK!!. He has brought his hand down with such force upon this steak in the Ziploc bag that it has burst all over the countertop. Why? Ask him. Go on, ask him. He’s “testing it”. He has also proceeded to test a watermelon, resulting in it cracking right down the middle. A cantaloupe resulting in it being flattened on one side. A bag of sealed dog food which obviously resulted in the bag exploding kibbles and bits all over the kitchen. I have not the words for this phenomenon. But it is real. I promise you that.

Being In The Way
<*> Wherever I'm standing is where Troy needs to be standing, and vice versa. It doesn't matter where we are - the kitchen, the bathroom, Scotland - we each infuriatingly occupy the space where the other one wants to be, urgently. Over the years we've developed signals for this situation. Troy’s is to stand behind me and mutter under his breath. Mine is to shoulder-charge him out of the way.

Nail Clippers
<*> Ok. I don’t give a damn if once I have used the nail clippers whether they are put back open or closed. To me, it makes more sense to leave them in the open-clipper-ready-to-go mode so if a hangnail is about to rip open you can quickly address it an move on instead of fuddling with the damn things to open and so on. Troy accuses me of “doing this deliberately to annoy him”.

Size, Weight, and General Blemishes
<*> It’s not news that I am tall; freakishly tall at that. And it’s not news that Troy is a big man himself. The difference? I look at him and see Troy. Sometimes I notice a little weight gain or a little zit or something, but for the most part, I do not notice because I adore him regardless. He, on the other hand, likes to tell me (in a joking manner) pointing such things out… which makes me want to strangle him with a wire coat hanger. Some examples:

Troy: ::finger directly in my face:: Whoa! You know you have a zit right there?

Me: Yes. I am aware.

-------------------------------
Troy: ::hands cupped around his pectorals:: What happened?

Me: Excuse me?

Troy: What happened? That first night we met your boobs were so big. What happened?

Me: I lost weight. And unfortunately that is one of the first places I lose it from.

Troy: Well, put it back on then!

Me: I hate you.

-------------------------------
Troy: ::while gripping my love handles:: Oh, what’s this? Puttin’ it back on I see!

Me: What the hell, Troy! Stop it!

Troy: ::attempting to again grab my sides to wiggle them::

Me: STOP IT!! And you’re one to talk!! Look at your belly!!

Troy: Yeah, but mine’s gradual.

That is not made up. He said it. I just looked at him in disbelief.

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 3 - The (inevitable) “Who do you think is attractive?” Incident

2010-03-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I will willingly admit that I am strange. I never, ever, at any time, for any reason want to know who Troy finds attractive. I can guess just fine, thank you. I do not want it said. Why? Because then the inevitable comparing in my head happens (but she’s got strawberry-blonde hair, why would he like that, does he not like my hair, is he trying to tell me something, and it’s short, I hate short hair, what a whore) and by this time whatever show we are watching is useless to me because I have missed a good 30 seconds and have lost interest. I know. I know. I am crazy.

In turn, I do not want to discuss who I happen to find sexy as hell. I find it uncomfortable and as to why people, i.e. couples, do this… I will never understand. Gross weirdoes, the lot of ya.

For whatever reason, one night, Troy was compelled to know this information.

Troy: You think he’s good looking? (Brad Pitt is on and Troy is more accusing than asking)

Me: Not really.

Troy: Really?

……..about 17 seconds pass while he is thinking thoughts that I cannot even imagine….

Troy: Sooooo, who do you think is good looking?

Me: We are not having this conversation. It’s weird and you are going to judge me on who I say and then bring it up at inopportune times. No.

Troy: C’moooon!! Who? Just tell me. C’mon! Whyyy?

Me: No.

Troy: Please?

Me: No.

::Repeat this about thirty times::

Troy: CMOOON!!!

Me: FINE YOU LUNATIC!!!! Harrison Ford. (hmmmmm…(shhhh))

Troy: HARRISON FORD?!?!?!? EWWW!!! HE’S SO OLD!!!

Me: Shut your stupid face!!! This is why I didn’t want to tell you!!

Troy: Ok. Okokokok…… Someone else.

Me: WHAT? NO!

Troy: C’mon.

::Repeat again about 30 times::

Me: Fine. Mike Rowe. (omgggg (shhhh))

Troy: From Dirty Jobs?!?!? (while looking at me like I have ten heads and a snot dangling off my lip)

Me: Whatever. Conversation over.

Now, flash forward to a week later. We begin watching the first season of Prison Break with is not only an amazing show but is starring Wentworth Miller who is just so sexy it hurts me physically. A few episodes in we shared a bottle (or 3) of wine and I was feeling just wonderful. Just before one of the breaks in the show where normally they would go to commercial break, they show a close up of Mr. Miller without his shirt on and his sexy face just sparkling with sexiness and uhhhhhhgggggkljdskfj… anyhow, I happened to accidentally slip.

Me: Uhhhhhhhggg. Wow.

Troy: What?

Me: Ah, nothing.

Troy: You think he’s hot!

……………

Me: Yes. Yes I do.

Troy: Whatever. That chick’s wicked hot. (referring to the female who is clinically insane and kills people with ease and is just generally evil and you are made to inherently think she deserved to be quartered by horses).

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have been annoyed at that comment. By annoyed I mean… well, lets not go there. You know that I am crazy… use your imagination. However, when he said this, it was clearly to even the playing field.

Me: Whatever.

I win.

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 2 - The Bean Bag Incident

2010-03-16T06:41:00.000-07:00

Troy and I are forever in competition. Always. For anything. i.e. first through a door, the most middlest seat at the movies, bigger handful of whateverwehappentobeeating, etc. However, it always takes a particular turn for the worse in two situations. The first is providing we are either in public or people are watching because there will be witnesses to the losing person’s failure, and the winner’s domination. The other, of course, is any game or show of precision or strength or pure physical Godliness. There will probably be hundreds of stories with this theme as it is constant.

Troy and I go to his friend’s farm in the middle of nowhere. At said farm, there are few things to do. The extent of which is drinking, talking, and competition. This particular day, we’ll call him “Paul” had made two boxes with holes on the top, complete with assorted bean bags that you were to lob from a predetermined location through the hole in the box. The boxes were placed about 30 feet apart and the people playing would face each other. Now, mix in a few hours of drinking. The next obvious thing to happen is that the hole in the box is no longer the only target. The new object was to get the other person to believe that you are waiting for them to lob the bag into the hole, and once they believe that, concentrate, aim and go to toss it, you HUM your bean bag directly at their face. If you hit them, it is hysterical and everyone laughs and then waits for retaliation.

Nothing is more fun to Troy than a chance to one-up me (I’m sure someday he’ll read this and deny it adamantly). So Troy and I begin to play. It is immediately obvious that I am far superior when it comes to getting the bag in the hole (that’s what she said! ZING!) This coupled with the fact that about 10 of Troy’s friends were watching, caused him to think that the next appropriate course of action will be to wait until I am “in the zone”, about to sink, yet another bag, and HUM his bean bag as hard as he can directly at my eye-socket. Me, being amazing, saw his plan and easily avoided his throw. This not only infuriated him, but also pissed me off because I was quite content winning and now revenge had to be taken.

I have one characteristic in my pocket that comes in quite helpful. I can wait, very patiently, to act on revenge. Literally, I can wait DAYS. On this day, I waited about 15 minutes, once the game was over and his injury had been inflicted in the form of his losing to me. Once we began to walk back to his friends, I graciously took this opportunity to HUM my bean bag at his back and successfully both surprise and slightly injure him.

This was bad. As soon as it hit, I immediately (almost) regretted it. He turned around slowly, so as to be sure that it was in fact I who had just wholloped him.

When Troy does things slowly, be scared. Be afraid. Run.

He slowly bent over to pick up the bean bag while I was laughing nervously while screaming “I only did it to get you back!! And I didn’t even throw it hard!! You know you had that coming, though!! Wait!! Put that down!! TROYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”

By the last bit there, when I was screaming his name, I was simultaneously RUNNING FOR MY LIFE. I kept turning this way and that, glancing backwards in an attempt to outsmart him like an antelope running from a big fucking evil cheetah.

You think you know how this ends. But not to the extent.

The extent was not only that he didn’t have to catch up to me to get me, which is obvious because he wasn’t planning on tickling me with the bean bag. The extent of the power behind his throw of that rocketbag could have knocked down the Wall of China and smashed it over into Japan. You see, his hitting me with the little sac was detrimental to his manhood and the fact that there were far too many witnesses to just let this go. The result? About a four inch by four inch area on the backside of my thigh in which he had successfully broken every blood vessel meanwhile causing a massive welt.

(Obviously, this is not me… and this may be a slight exaggeration… but I wanted to give you a visual) **Update - I used to have a good photo from photobucket to use for this but it was deleted and when I searched again, I couldn't help but put this man's chubby buns up for my example** HA!

You’d think that I would consider this each time I mess with Troy… each time I press him to the brink of insanity… each time he bends over to put his shoes on and I simply MUST slap his ass AS HARD AS I CAN… each time he is playing video games and I must bombard him with questions and then stand in front of the tv screen if he doesn’t answer fast enough… you’d think I would…

Nope. =)

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 1 - The Vicodin Incident

2010-03-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

So… I would guess that if someone was to read, let’s say, my status updates on Facebook, and sum those tid-bits up as my day-to-day life, one would probably be under the impression that I do little more than work, drink, love my Troyskis and Littles in a magical perfect land called Home, and sleep. Wait… well that is actually somewhat true… It was meant to be drastic and funny and obviously not, but… Any who… I have refrained from telling FB, friends, the world, of all the little ridiculous things that happen, the arguments, and other funny happenings between Troy and I out of a mix of the fact that:

1. I hardly see my friends anymore since I am one of two things at all times (being either terribly busy or equally terribly lazy) and;

2. I know, I tell terribly long, drawn out stories that by the time I get to my point you’ve had it with me… I can’t help it… I inherited it from my mother, who in fact, points it out to me constantly, herself limping around in denial when it is her upbringing that has caused this blemish in my storytelling capability.

In addition, it was recently brought to my attention that I am “never” stewing mad at/planning on killing my boyfriend. Apparently, there are some of you out there that believe that Troy and I are one of the happiest couples that have ever existed and our problems never get worse than running out of milk or a frightful minute or two when the remote for the TV can’t be found. This is not true. And once this was brought to my attention, my brain began to fill with all this stuff that I have now decided must be told, if not for the sole reason, to free the idea from people’s heads that Troy and I just bask in each other’s awesomeness day and night…

Let’s start with:

The Vicodin Incident

One day long, long ago… probably mid-August… Troy injured his back doing something incredibly manly such as log chopping or rock moving or whatever else it is that he does that is typically in excess when I am not around.

As a result he went to the Doctor who prescribed him some Vicodin to ease the throbbing pain. Now, as manly and amazing that Troy is, he is no doctor. Nor does he believe in such silly things as “reading the little pamphlet that comes with medicine”. Same as he doesn’t believe in such silly things as “Instruction Manuals” or those “Assembly Instructions” which always leave us with “x” amount of screws or bolts that Troy then insists were “extras”.

A week goes by and I am under the assumption that since there has been no incessant whining for a few days that his back pain is gone and so are his Vicodin. We decide to get a movie and a bottle (or 3) of wine. Fast-forward 3 hours and bottles of wine later, I am exhausted and ready for bed; and amazingly so is Troy, so we cuddle in for the night.

3 a.m.: I am awakened by slight pushing and tapping on my upper body and general unapproved moving about in the bed. I begin to come to from my slumber to know 3 things for certain:

1. It is 3 a.m.;

2. It is hardly light enough to see much of anything, except;

3. Troy is sitting nervously on his knees and asking me questions with some unknown urgency.

By now, 10 seconds have passed and I know I am not dreaming. I ask Troy why he has woken me up.

Me: Troy, what is going on?

Troy: (with angry furrowed eyebrows while hissing) Do you see this?

Troy now points at the floor repeatedly and seemingly furiously.

I am beyond confused as I have just been woken up and come to my own conclusion that one of the legs on the bed must have broken and although I couldn’t tell, we were on an angle and this has woken and angered Troy.

I peer over the side of the bed and see nothing. I look back at Troy who is not only angry for some reason that I cannot determine, but he is livid with me now.

Me: What the hell is going on?

Troy: (livid) IT’S LIKE THIS!!!!! ::Troy is now making signs via Secret Troy Sign Language - that looks to be like he is showing me how to write an “N” DIRECTLY in front of my nose::

I have never been so confused in my life.

Me: I simply do not know what the hell you are doing, why you are mad, or what you are trying to sign to me.

Troy: ………..

Without another word, he gets under the blankets and within about 7 seconds is snoring like a bear.

10 a.m.

Me: What was that last night?

Troy: What?

Me: ::Does a play-by-play of what happened not 6 hours earlier::

Troy: That really happened?

Me: Yup.

Troy: Wow. I had a dream that we were stuck on the bed on top of a mountain and we had to keep it balanced or we were going to go down the mountain… and you kept moving and going towards the edge…

Me: Huh. So, you still had some of those nice little pills left over… and mixed them with wine, huh? You know it’s terribly dangerous to mix such potent narcotic pain reliever and alcohol? You didn’t read that little pamphlet that came with those drugs, did you?

Troy: What pamphlet?

o_0

Slaaaackin'!!!! OOf...

2010-03-15T11:42:00.000-07:00

Arg! Sweetbabyfreakinjehsus. I am terrible at this updating the blog thing. Really. Big things have changed mi amigos. Um, for one, Troyskis and I have moved into our house!!! Whoot whoot!! Yeah. Ok, really that was the only big thing, so… on to business.

I have, in fact, gotten many more things done from my list… Fuck. If I hear this “gimme back that fillet o’ fish, gimme that fish” commercial one more time, ugh. Ok, I am not going to do anything. It’s just always on, and it’s so catchy that whatever I’m doing must stop and my brain is tantalized for 20 second or so and then I have to try to get back to work, or driving or cleaning (as my radio is always on…) I digress.

OH!! But before I digress all the way to the important stuff I would like to note that I have begun recording (written, not video tape… that’s creepy) – little Troyskis and Skis stories… why? Because they are usually pretty funny. I think I will start updating this blog with them shortly.

Shit dude. Let’s get rockin’ on the accomplishments here.

13. Watch a horror movie and get over it. I did, in fact, watch a horror movie. It was a Japanese horror film called Audition. Firstly, I would like to note, honestly, I did not know this was a horror film and so this was accomplished inadvertently. Slate.com did a piece on the 100 best films of the decade, it was on there, Netflix had it ready, I put it on. It wasn’t until aboot halfway through that I realized this film was ohhh, just a little “off”. By the end, I was ruined. And people keep asking me “blaaahhh why didn’t you just turn it off blahhahsihdf”. Fuck you, I say. By the end of this film I was FROZEN. UNABLE TO MOVE. The remote was on the bed, but I could not stop. Terrible. Go watch it and ruin the next month of your life. Go ahead.

15. Buy a nice, proper, pair of pajamas and give Troyskis back his gross sweats ;). I also buckled down and got me a nice pair of sexy pj’s that are MINE =) and they’re sexy and silky and comfy but bottom line is they are exactly what I outline: nice and proper (and just a little trashy) lol no sah. The picture is not exact, but similar all the same =)

22. Try 10 new recipes (3/10) – Oh yes mi hombres. I have been cooking like a whore in church since we moved into the house. Hmmm, I make a Mexican Pizza which was essentially a taco pizza, which was essentially amazing. I made my first corned beef and OMFG it was scrumptious. OH! And ohmysweetmaryjoseph… I made some BBQ pork ribs that were evil. Evil because they were so tasty. There were other things but I have lost interest on this topic, so I will claim 3 out of my 10 at this time.

30. Make my mom that cracked corn thing that I promised her for Christmas last year – Done!! AND!! I made some for the whole family too (especially seeing how the fat old broad at the farm refused to sell me any less than 75 fucking pounds of cracked corn so, yeah, my hand was forced – my choices being either dig a hole and bury the whole godforsaken bag, or suck it up and make about 25 of those bags).

I made big progress with family stuff too… as I should… and I’ve been an “adult” now for a while and all that crap. But I consider all these completed.

31. Call my mom at least once a week for a month (3/4)
32. Call my dad at least once a week for a month (4/4)
33. Call my brother at least once a week for a month (4/4)
34. Go visit my damn old dog once a week for a month (3/4)

Eyyy… ok. I need to call my mom once more. And I need to visit my dog another time or two. But shit. I’ve been a good girl =)

56. Go to Hong Kong with my Troyskis – (February 22, 2010 through March 1, 2010) Done!!! Seems we just got home… and it was terrific!!!! Pictures may follow, but I am lazy and it may be a while…

73. Watch 26 random movies, one for each letter of the alphabet – Wow. Ok, I got a lot o’shit going on for this one… so hold onto your hats.

B – Boys Don’t Cry – Whew. This one was a doozy. And the rape scene was so intense I had to shut it off for a while before resuming. Regardless of the ruthless violence and the incomparable uncomfortableness that reeks from this film, it was incredible… and I figure if a film can make me have such strong feelings, be them good or bad, it must be good.

E – Elizabeth – Allllright, yeah, I had already seen this film, HOWEVER – I don’t count it because I was young and didn’t fully understand the plot as I do now as a slightly more educated adult. Highly entertaining time piece and I loved it!!

J- Ju Dou – A terrific Chinese tragedy (lol not funny haha double negative oxymoron). Story: A woman gets married off to a violent, brutal, and infertile owner of a dye mill in rural China. She ends up conceiving a son with her husband's nephew, but is forced to raise her son as her husband's heir without revealing who his real father is. Great film as long as you can get past the fact that it was made in 1990 which means it is ANCIENT. Lol (in Chinese with subtitles).

M – Magdelene Sisters – A film about four women who are forced into the Magdelene Asylum for young women in Ireland mid 60’s. The asylum was run like a prison and the girls were treated like inmates and not allowed to leave as this was the place where “fallen” women were sent. Upon realizing how incredibly corrupt this place is and how brutal the women in charge could be, and upon discovering what one of the popes were doing, the four young women decide to break out. Based on a true story (my favorites =)

N – Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind – Cute little anime flick that was super creative and awesome and I am getting lazy with typing so whatever.

O – Obsessed – I was psyched for this film, but, fuckin’ A, Beyonce and blonde lady from Heros! It was terrible. Terrible. Buh. Gag.

R – Raise the Red Lantern - After her father's death, nineteen year old Songlian is forced to marry Chen Zuoqian, the lord of a powerful family. Fifty year old Chen has already three wives, each of them living in separate houses within the great castle. The competition between the wives is tough, as their master's attention carries power, status and privilege. Each night Chen must decide with which wife to spend the night and a red lantern is lit in front of the house of his choice. And each wife schemes and plots to make sure it's hers. However, things get out of hand. LOVED IT!! (in Chinese with subtitles).

T - Tsosti - In Johannesburg, the small time criminal Tsotsi is a teenager without feelings, hardened by his tough life. After killing a man with his gang in a robbery; hitting the gangster Boston of his gang; humiliating a crippled beggar along one night, Tsotsi hijacks a car and under the despair of a woman, he shoots her in the stomach. While driving the car, Tsotsi finds that there is a baby on the back seat and the woman was a desperate mother. He brings the baby to his house in the slum and becomes attached to him. For six days, the baby changes his behavior, arousing and developing the sense of empathy and humanity in the cold blood killer. (in South African with subtitles).

Blugh, I don’t feel like doing this anymore. So, this is all for now.

Yeah, I know... A Month and a Half Later...

2009-12-11T10:55:00.000-08:00

Ok. okokokokokokok - I know I haven't updated the old blogski in a while, but that does NOT mean that I haven't been busy with doing stuff for my 101 in 1001!!

Ok for one, I really wanted to know after making the commitment of donating 100,000 grains of rice, as to how much rice that actually was; so I did. According to Producer's Rice Mills, (http://www.producersrice.com/rice/facts.html), there are over 29,000 grains in a pound of rice. By donating 100,000 grains, I will be donating approximately 3 and a half pounds which is actually pretty damn good since I get full off of like, I don't know, a cup of uncooked rice... so YEAY!! I was worried that there was going to be something like 250,000 for a pound and so donating all these grains wouldn't be as "fruitful", if you will, than I would have liked...

Sooo, that being said, I have to date, donated another 7,000 grains of rice (Troyskis helped with about 1,000 because we were battling to show off our wits HA!)

MOVING ON!!

I have watched another 4 movies for my 26 movies from A through Z!! I guess I’ll go in alphabetical order…

G – G.I. Joe blah blah blah – there’s more to the title, but I can’t remember it. Rise of the Cobra or something. Regardless, yeah yeah, it’s not random like it’s supposed to be, but to be honest, I probably wouldn’t have watched it if not for Troy so whatever; random enough… The movie was ok, some of the fight scenes were pretty cool and there were a few moments that made me laugh pretty hard, buuuut, godamn with the corny one-liners. They kill me… and this movie is full of them (i.e. When all else fails….. (wait for the pause)…… we don't.) Kills me…

K – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – I was nervous this movie was going to be the typical murder mystery blarg… and this seemed to be the case for the first couple of minutes of narrative monologue before the jokes started coming fast and furious. This turned out to be a highly entertaining comedy/buddy film couched in a tongue in cheek film noir setting. The dialogue was witty and the chemistry between Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmour was great. Some of the jokes went by so fast that I'll have to see this movie again to see what I missed as I was still laughing at the previous one. The ending was kind of, um, not-believable and made you kind of go, “yeahhhh ok”, but the jokes made up for it… I laughed hard.

P – The Proposal – I was partially forced into watching this by Troyskis’ mom who insisted is was hysterical and wonderful. I would tone it down a little to mildly humorous and cute. However, there was one scene that had me in tears. Picture Sandra Bullock trying to do a Native American chant with “grandma” and she doesn’t know what to chant so she starts chanting …”to the windows… to the walls… (waiiiitttt for it!!!!!!) …till the sweat drips down my balls!!! …till all these bitches crawl!!!” I lost it. I couldn’t believe she went there and it was fabulous. I watched that scene again about 5 times and even showed it to the Skis… the ending was very cliché and blah blah blah happy ending. Fart.

S – The Snow Queen – Now this was not what I expected AT ALL. It was produced by the BBC Channel and it was made in a way that I have never seen before. It was almost animated but with real people and cut out scenery from a magazine. Cute but realllly slow moving and too childish – even for me. OH! And the weirdest part was that during many of the scenes there was no talking, but children singing what was going on in the scene. Kinda weird… but overall, an ok movie. I may or may not have fallen asleep before it finished… whoops.

MOVING ON!!!

I also finished two more novels!! =) The first was:

The Kitchen God’s Wife by Amy Tan – This is Amy Tan's second novel, after the hugely successful 'Joy Luck Club'. It is a much heavier novel than Joy Luck, mainly because it is influenced by the true life story of Daisy Tan, Amy's mother, who had many terrible experiences in China before immigrating to America and establishing the family Amy Tan grew up in. The book's main theme is a mother- daughter relationship, rather dysfunctional, which we discover is due to complete misunderstanding and a number of deceptions. Winnie, the mother, has kept secrets from her daughter, Pearl, for over forty years and it is only under the threats of Auntie Helen, an annoying but lovable family friend that she decides to tell all to Pearl. Winnie's story is a harrowing one, including physical and emotional abuse, war, death of loved ones, prison... it's even more harrowing when you realize it's based on a true story. As in all good stories, true or not, the end is at least partly happy: mother and daughter grow closer or at least respect each other more, and the book ends on a positive note.

The book is well written and compelling, taking the reader through a variety of emotions as the story unfolds. From pre-revolution China, through the Sino-Japanese War, and eventually modern day America, the reader laughs and cries together with Winnie and Pearl. An incredible book, highly recommended. A-

The Concubine’s Daughter by Pai Kit Fai - The Concubine's Daughter is part history, part romance, part drama, part legend, part martial arts, part tragedy, and part poem. Li-Xia is born the daughter of a concubine on a spice farm in early 1906. An unwanted child, her father tried to rid himself of her but her life was spared when her father believed he saw a fox fairy. In the attempt, her mother tragically dies. And so Li-Xia grows, is sold off the farm to a silk farmer, and learns to gather silk cocoons, spin silk thread and makes friends. All the while, she years to be a scholar, as her mother saw herself a scholar. She treasures her mother's diary, filled with poems and "pieces of gold." In an amazing turn of fate, Li-Xia eventually finds her path to gold, and bears a daughter, however, at the birth of her daughter, they are parted. The daughter, Siu-Sing is raised far from the place where her mother found her peace and stillness. She is raised in the art of The White Crane by a learned sifu and faces a deadly nemesis her entire journey. Along the way, she has to fight her way out of being sold into slavery, being sold into an opium den and surviving with her bare wits. She has to face her mortal enemy, her past, and find love. What I enjoyed most about this novel was the attention to detail. Bowls of seasoned congee for breakfast. Learning about the sung-tip contracts for girls. The corruption of Shanghai and Kowloon and Macau power triads. The gentle play of history over the forward motion of the story. The social classes and disdain for interracial marriage. The gritty feel of absolute slavery. The lavishness of riches and power. I absolutely adored this book. A+

OH BOY!! Well, I have got to go – more to come soon =)

Day 3!! Giggity giggity! Alllll-right =)

2009-10-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a quick one... I am tired as the day is long...

First, and MOST excitedly, I released one of my books "into the wild" via real life and bookcrossing.com. I went on my lunch break and went to the park that I normally go to to read on my lunch break and had a lovely time starting my new book. When I had about 20 minutes to get back to the office, I pulled my book (Private Papers of Eastern Jewel - most recently on my 100 books to read list) out of my purse and left it on the bench for a stranger to find... I don't know why, but I felt like 007. I didn't want anyone to see me leave it... even though it was probably obvious that I was either doing something bad like a 6 year old would, or I was leaving a bomb... either way here's photos =)

As stupid as this may sound... I CANT WAIT to see who found it and their story... goddamn I hope they read it quick because I have the patience of a fruitfly.

In other not so exciting news... I did a hair mask - task completed. And to be honest, my hair feels GREAT - Nutrogena and totally worth the 10 bucks I paid for it.

Lastly, one more thing that made my day a happy one =) I watched another random movie for my A-Z list!! It is a Japanese Animation movie called the Cat Returns. It was totally cute and entirely enjoyable. It reminded me of my obsession with cats so it made me feel normal... and happy. I would reccomend it to anyone who loves cats... or japanese animation... or wants to feel good and get a giggle because it was great =) way better than I expected. I give it an A =)

Ok, it's late and I have to go to bed to prepare myself for another funfilled day at the office tomorrow... yeay.

On a lighter note - Day 2 =)

2009-10-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

Sooooo, got a few more things accomplished today and I feel AMAZING for it =)

First off, my car was fine all along. The Troyskis took a wee gander this morning and it started fine... what happened? Who knows. Troyskis' diagnosis - "it got wet". What that really means, I don't know. I've driven through puddles the size of Wyoming... but we get a little rain shower and the bugger won't start. Annyyywho - all is well now.

As for accomplishments:

Save $2 a day during this 1001 days - I offically opened another savings account into which I transferred $14 for this first week. I don't know yet if this is how I am officially going to do this, but it got me started.

Christmas cards - I got an email from snapfish saying if I order holiday cards before the 10/31, I can get free shipping. That was all I needed. I created little Christmas cards with cute pictures of my new little family that consists of Troyskis, myself, Malichai, Little-face, and Warrior. Bottom line: to die for. I should be getting them shortly and be on my way to sending and spreading Holiday cheer and all that good shit =)

Lastly, I also bought a Monday through Friday old person pill box thang. I also got a whole bunch of vitamins that should hopefully keep the ol' swine flu from entering my body and making me miserable. Hopefully, I will be feeling even more magnificent in the upcoming weeks... especially seeing how freeking expensive vitamins are... you would think that since this crap is raked from the ground it would be, I don't know, dirt cheap. Well, it's not.

Before I say goodnight, there has been something else on my mind that I need to get out there. We, as females, need a movement. This movement will be called "Let's Wash Our Hands BEFORE We Pee". I don't understand the whole notion of washing our hands after we pee. Why? Well, I don't know about other women in the world, but after I pee, the only thing that my hand is touching is toilet paper. I don't get how this could go any other way. However, I could tell you about 100 dirty things that I touch BEFORE I pee (such as a keyboard, the handle to get into the bathroom, a pen, my shoes, random "high fives" with co-workers - not that I know their dirty, but it's a maybe). This would make one think that if we touch all these bacterial-filled dirty things before we pee, we then touch the toilet paper with the same dirty hands, to then proceed with our post-pee ritual, only to have touched the toilet paper. My resolve? Wash hands before said pee, and hey, if you so feel like it, wash after as well. Just a thought...

My First Day of the 101 in 1001

2009-10-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

So, today is my first day of my project. Although I did put a dent in my list, my day was not so great. First, I will start with my accomplishments.

Freerice.com - I officially donated 500 grains of rice putting a small dent in my 100,000 grain goal. It's small, but it's a start =)

Read 100 books - ok, this one was kind of a cheat because I started reading the book before today which is my start date. But what the hell, I did finish it today and it was a great book so I am including it. My list, my rules. The book is called The Private Papers of Eastern Jewel, and it was fabulous! Summary - A story about a rebellious Chinese princess who refuses to accept the subservient role that early 20th Chinese society requests of her. The heroine, Eastern Jewel, is the daughter of Chinese Prince Su's last concubine. Her early sexual curiosity got her into trouble and at the age of eight, her father banished her to Tokyo, Japan. At first she stayed with distant relatives. She grows to love Japan, but her trouble making results in an arranged, loveless marriage to a rough and freezing Mongolia. Bewildered and isolated, she has experiences disturbing fantasies. Conflicted by her desire for a strong father image as well as rejection of traditional subservience of women, she devotes herself to more dangerous adventures and hedonism. Armed with boldness and rebellious spirit, she escapes Mongolia for Shanghai and wraps herself in the luxuries provided to her by rich and powerful but dangerous lovers. Eventually she gets caught up in the world of Japanese spies and sexual manipulations. Self-discovery comes later with a very high-price. This story provides an interesting insight into Japan and China between the 1920s and 1930s, with the opium dens, luxurious and exciting parties, mysterious disappearance of the losers, and the powerful is king. Eastern Jewel is an intriguing and complicated heroine, fallible, selfish, but also intoxicating. Racy and seductive, it is a historical fiction at its best.

26 Random movies for A through Z - I have "D" crossed off my list after watching "Donkey Skin" which is a French fairytale shown with english subtitles. I received this movie from Netflix, and to be honest, I never remember putting it in my queue which is strange. I tried to watch it the other night, but fell asleep - so I watched it today. At first the movie comes off as very hokey - very Rogers and Hammerstein (see Cinderella). Not only does it come off as hokey, but really strange as the bottom line is this princess is trying to escape her father's attempts to marry her to produce a male heir. Here's a summary:

A king had a beautiful wife and a rich castle, including a marvelous donkey whose droppings were gold. One day his wife died, after making him promise not to marry except to a woman whose beauty and attributes equaled hers. The king grieved, but was, in time, persuaded to seek another wife. It became clear that the only woman who would fit the promise was his own daughter.She went to her fairy godmother who advised her to make impossible demands as a condition of her consent: a dress the color of the weather, a dress the color of the moon, a dress as bright as the sun, and finally, the hide of his marvelous donkey. Such was the king's desire to marry her that he granted all of them. The fairy godmother gave her a marvelous chest to contain all she owned and told her that the donkeyskin would make an excellent disguise. She fled. Eventually, she found a royal farm where they let her work in the kitchen, despite her ugliness in the donkeyskin. On feast days, she would dress herself in the fine gowns her father had given her, and one such day, the prince came by her room and peeped through the keyhole. He fell in love at once, fell ill with his longing, and declared that nothing would cure him but a cake baked by Donkeyskin, and nothing they could say of what a dirty creature she was dissuaded him. When Donkeyskin baked the cake, a ring of hers fell in it. The prince found it and declared that he would marry only the woman whose finger it fit. Every other woman having failed, he insisted that Donkeyskin try, and it fit. When she had dressed herself in her fine gowns, his parents were reconciled with the match. Donkey-skin later found that her father had remarried to a beautiful widow and everyone lived happily ever after.

Blah blah blah. It was ok. I would give it a C and could definately go the rest of my life not seeing it again. Although I am happy that I watched it.

Overall I found today to be a pretty productive day and it would have been a GREAT day had I not just gone out to my car a little while ago and found that it will not start... >=(

Troyskis has promised that he can fix it tomorrow as he thinks it is only the battery, but still. You forget how bad it is not to have a working car until it happens. Frig. Yeah, yeah, things could be worse and I know that, I am just annoyed.

Well, Malichai is giving the "pet me and layyyy with me" eyes... and it's too tempting to pass up. Until next time... Stay classy San Diego. HA!

My 101 Tasks in 1001 Days

2009-10-22T07:32:00.000-07:00

The Mission: Complete 101 preset tasks in a period of 1001 days.

The Criteria: Tasks must be specific (ie. no ambiguity in the wording) with a result that is either measurable or clearly defined. Tasks must also be realistic and stretching (ie. represent some amount of work on my part).

Why 1001 Days? Many people have created lists in the past - frequently simple goals such as New Year's resolutions. The key to beating procrastination is to set a deadline that is realistic. 1001 Days (about 2.75 years) is a better period of time than a year, because it allows you several seasons to complete the tasks, which is better for organising and timing some tasks such as overseas trips or outdoor activities.

Key - Task waiting to be completed
Task in the process of completion
Task completed

Start Date - Saturday, October 24, 2009
End Date - Saturday, July 21, 2012

Me, Myself and I… (the semi-selfish portion of my tasks)

1. Send in one of my postsecrets to postsecret.blogspot.com
2. Get a massage
3. Get a pedicure
4. Do a body "cleanse"
5. Have my tattoo touched up
6. Don’t swear for a whole day (this one is going to be TOUGH)
7. Get a scooter (and pretend it’s to “be green”, and not simply that scooters are amazing)
8. Save $2 a day during this 1001 days and do something amazing with it (14/2002)
9. Get a PO box at the post office
10. Do the 5000 question survey at 5000questionsur.livejournal.com (0/5000)
11. Pay off my last credit card (0/2000)
12. Buy 20 scratch tickets and only scratch them once I have all 20 (0/20)
13. Watch a horror movie and get over it (1/21/10)
14. Get a bikini wax (AHHHHHHHHH!!!! KELLY CLARKSON!!!)
15. Buy a nice, proper, pair of pajamas and give Troyskis back his gross sweats ;) (12/27/09)
16. Get my salary up to what I want or get another job
17. Get on birth control for Christ’s sakes!!
18. Do a hair mask wrap thing (in order to tame the squirrel’s nest) (10/26/09)
19. Go out of my way to make plans with one friend a month that I haven’t seen in ages
20. Spend an entire day on the beach and relax
21. Buy a new(er) car… and make it a standard!!
22. Try 10 new recipes (3/10) (BBQ Pork Ribs) (Mexican Pizza) (Corned Beef and Cabbage)
23. Finish the scrapbook for Troyskis and I
24. Start the scrapbook for my family
25. Finish the scrapbook for my friends
26. Find my own perfect LBD
27. Whiten my teeth
28. Private... Schedule at least one consultation for... this one is private and stop trying to be sneaky and read it. HAHAHAHA just kidding =)
29. Try a martini… shaken, not stirred =)

Family and Friends…

30. Make my mom that cracked corn thing that I promised her for Christmas last year
31. Call my mom at least once a week for a month (3/4)
32. Call my dad at least once a week for a month (4/4)
33. Call my brother at least once a week for a month (4/4)
34. Go visit my damn old dog once a week for a month (3/4)
35. Send Christmas cards (10/25/09 - purchased cards on snapfish.com)
36. Make cookies and mail some to my mom dad and brother
37. Continue my tradition with my brother of spending a day together for his birthday (0/3)
38. Get information about how to get Malichai to gain weight and do it
39. Bring Ace to the beach (at least one more time) = /

Others and strangers…

40. Donate 100,000 grains of rice on freerice.com (7,500/100,000)
41. Give 100 compliments (0/100)
42. Send that thank you note I’ve been meaning to send for two years
43. Write an uplifting message in a public bathroom
44. Leave 50 nice post-its for strangers to find (0/50)
45. Donate $5 for every uncompleted task to a charity
46. Prepare and send 5 care packages for the soldiers overseas (0/5)
47. Throw a message in a bottle into the ocean
48. Pay for the person behind me at a drive through
49. Donate all my clothes that I haven’t worn in over 3 months (not seasonal)
50. Update Troyskis’ wardrobe, get rid of his old clothes and donate anything nice to charity
51. Go to the library 10 times and leave nice notes in the books (0/10)

Travel and Adventure!!

52. Go geocaching and find 10 geocaches (0/10)
53. Spend a day on a farm and go apple picking and through a corn maze and hayride
54. Go through a haunted house
55. Go for an all day hike
56. Go to Hong Kong with my Troyskis (2/22/10 through 3/1/10)
57. Go skiing/snowboarding at least three times (0/3)
58. Ride a roller coaster (its been yeeears =( )
59. Ride a mechanical bull at a filthy ridiculous bar
60. Do nakie where we can get caught ;)
61. Go horseback riding… beach and black stallion not required
62. Have Troyskis teach me how to use, shoot and clean a gun
63. Have Troyskis teach me how to ride a motorcycle
64. Go to the zoo… and spend time with the bats to get over them =)
65. Go to a professional sporting event (that is not the Red Sox)
66. Go camping in the wilderness (no “camp grounds”)
67. Plan a surprise get-away for me and Troyskis (after we are settled in the house)

Entertainment

68. Read 100 books (3/100)
The Private Papers of Eastern Jewel (10/24/09)
The Kitchen God's Wife (11/14/09)
The Concubine's Daughter (12/3/09)
69. Buy a guitar and learn five songs (0/5)
70. Send 10 postcards via postcrossing.com (0/10)
71. Send 10 books via bookcrossing.com (1/10)
The Private Papers of Eastern Jewel - Released "in the wild" (10/26/09)
72. Beat Troyskis and Bob at F1 Boston Racing… hands down…
73. Watch 26 random movies, one for each letter of the alphabet (14/26)

B – Boys Don’t Cry – Whew. This one was a doozy. And the rape scene was so intense I had to shut it off for a while before resuming. Regardless of the ruthless violence and the incomparable uncomfortableness that reeks from this film, it was incredible… and I figure if a film can make me have such strong feelings, be them good or bad, it must be good.

C - The Cat Returns - Japanese Animation film that was absolutely adorable and I loved it immensely. I give it an A (10/26/09)

D - Donkey Skin - French fairytale with English subtitles. Very "Rogers & Hammerstein"/Cinderella. Overall I give it a C. (10/24/09)

E – Elizabeth – Allllright, yeah, I had already seen this film, HOWEVER – I don’t count it because I was young and didn’t fully understand the plot as I do now as a slightly more educated adult. Highly entertaining time piece and I loved it!!

G - G.I. Joe - I don't really have to explain this one, do I? Meh - I give it a C... for CHEESY (10/30/09 )

J- Ju Dou – A terrific Chinese tragedy (lol not funny haha double negative oxymoron). Story: A woman gets married off to a violent, brutal, and infertile owner of a dye mill in rural China. She ends up conceiving a son with her husband's nephew, but is forced to raise her son as her husband's heir without revealing who his real father is. Great film as long as you can get past the fact that it was made in 1990 which means it is ANCIENT. Lol (in Chinese with subtitles).
K - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Pretty darn good murder mystery with some hard laughs. Me likey, give it a B (11/16/09)

M – Magdelene Sisters – A film about four women who are forced into the Magdelene Asylum for young women in Ireland mid 60’s. The asylum was run like a prison and the girls were treated like inmates and not allowed to leave as this was the place where “fallen” women were sent. Upon realizing how incredibly corrupt this place is and how brutal the women in charge could be, and upon discovering what one of the popes were doing, the four young women decide to break out. Based on a true story (my favorites =)

N – Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind – Cute little anime flick that was super creative and awesome and I am getting lazy with typing so whatever.

O – Obsessed – I was psyched for this film, but, fuckin’ A, Beyonce and blonde lady from Heros! It was terrible. Terrible. Buh. Gag.

P - The Proposal - Midly humerous and cute - glad I watched it, but probably not again. It gets a C+ (11/20/09)

R – Raise the Red Lantern - After her father's death, nineteen year old Songlian is forced to marry Chen Zuoqian, the lord of a powerful family. Fifty year old Chen has already three wives, each of them living in separate houses within the great castle. The competition between the wives is tough, as their master's attention carries power, status and privilege. Each night Chen must decide with which wife to spend the night and a red lantern is lit in front of the house of his choice. And each wife schemes and plots to make sure it's hers. However, things get out of hand. LOVED IT!! (in Chinese with subtitles).

S - The Snow Queen - Sweet but childish and a little strange. I give it a C- (11/24/09)

T - Tsosti - In Johannesburg, the small time criminal Tsotsi is a teenager without feelings, hardened by his tough life. After killing a man with his gang in a robbery; hitting the gangster Boston of his gang; humiliating a crippled beggar along one night, Tsotsi hijacks a car and under the despair of a woman, he shoots her in the stomach. While driving the car, Tsotsi finds that there is a baby on the back seat and the woman was a desperate mother. He brings the baby to his house in the slum and becomes attached to him. For six days, the baby changes his behavior, arousing and developing the sense of empathy and humanity in the cold blood killer. (in South African with subtitles).

74. Go bowling and master a signature technique (that is not throwing the ball from between my legs using my “vagina laser” that was so femininely and discreetly thought of after 8 beers last time I went bowling)
75. Go to another Imax movie
76. Read 10 books from the list of “100 books that should be read before you die” (0/10)
77. Play blackjack at a real casino
78. Make a piece of jewelry (for me and my favorites – and when we combine we can form CAPTAIN PLANET!!! hahaha)
79. Go to Thompson's Speedway and have adult beverages and a smashing good time =)
80. Read all the Harry Potter books (0/7)

Health and Wellbeing

81. Quit smoking
82. Lose 20 pounds and don’t put more than 5 back on ;) (0/20)
83. Work up a sweat four times a week for a month (0/16)
84. Go vegetarian for two weeks (0/2)
85. Take a poll dancing or belly dancing class
86. Buy a Monday – Friday pill case and start taking daily vitamins (10/25/09 - purchased case)

New House!!! (Tasks to do once we have moved in!! Approx. Jan. 2010)

87. Plant my first garden
88. Build a fort with Troyskis... preferably a tree fort
89. Have a housewarming party and have all my friends finally meet Troy and his friends
90. Plant a tree
91. Buy something amazing at IKEA and assemble it myself
92. Host a game board night
93. Host a wine and cheese night
94. Make my first official thanksgiving dinner
95. Build a snowman
96. Make our new house feel like home
97. 3 times in one day… in 3 different rooms… on 3 separate occasions ;) (log attempts without telling him =) (0/3 0/3 0/3)
98. Spend a weekend naked in the new house… just because I can
99. Create three paintings to decorate the new house with (0/3)

Other

100. Take photos of all possible completed tasks
101. Make another 101 list before the 1001 days are up