How I Spent My Morning... Totally Fucking with a Scam Artist and Spammer...

This morning my coworker, Carly, forwarded me an email from an Attorney we work with in order to cover some of our out of state hearings.

The problem?

His account had been hacked by someone out in the Philippines claiming to be this Attorney; saying he was stranded there and desperately needed money in order to get home after being robbed.

Heart wrenching story, really.

Except for the fact that no one would ever send a mass email to all known email contacts in order to get help in a jacked up situation.

                                                                                                                                                                                     

We have all received spam emails or emails from Wkihviuasherkjbn Hoidaondrgn saying they have 10 million dollars and that we are the only person who was left is Sister Mother Theresa's Will as the recipient... and then we all ignore and delete them.

I don't know what happened... I decided that I simply must respond. I needed to see where it would go... and how far I could push it...

The following is the result.

I do want to note I removed and amended some information in order to protect this Attorney's information and privacy.

From: Robert Fireman
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 6:34 AM
To: Carly
Subject: SAD NEWS!!!

Good Morning,

I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, I came down here to Philippines on a short vacation with my family unfortunately I was mugged at the park of the hotel where I stayed, all cash, credit card and cell phone were stolen off me but luckily for me I still have my passport with me.

I've been to the embassy and the Police here not helping issues at all and my return flight leaves in few hours from now but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let me leave until I settle the bills.

Am so worried at the moment.

Kind regards

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
To: Robert Fireman <firemanattorney@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 6:59 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

Hi Bob,

I hope everything has sorted itself out by now. Carly is out of the office so this was forwarded to me. Please let me know if I can help in any way!

Katy

From: Robert Fireman <firemanattorney@aol.com>
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 7:22 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

I'm so glad to hear from you, I'm stranded and empty without my phone which has limited my communication to emails, I feel so sick right now also your lovely email has cheered me up.i need to get my ticket straightened out and sort my hotel bills I promise to pay you back as soon as I get back home . I need about $1,950. You can have the cash wired to my name and present location via Western Union thank God i still have my passport ID as proof to pick up the money.

The details you need is:

Name :.Robert Fireman
Location: 49 Roxas Boulevard cor. Manila, Philippines
Amount.. $1,950

As soon as it has been done, kindly get back to me with the confirmation number. Let me know if you are heading to the WU outlet now???

Thanks.... I would want you to take this as a life saving Moment i will never forget.

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
To: Robert Fireman <Firemanre@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 7:26 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

I’ve never wired money before, how do I do it?

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 7:36 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

Thanks for your help, all you have to do is take cash to the nearest western union office around you and have the cash wired to my name and current location which is Manila, Philippines.

Thank God i still have my passport ID as proof to get the money at western union, am still here waiting to hear from you with the western union details and just keep me posted once you have it done.

Hanging here

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
To: Robert Fireman <Firemaner@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 7:41 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

I have never seen a western union. Is that like a cigarette shop?

Can I go to Walmart instead? There’s a Walmart right down the road!

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 7:47 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

you can go to walmart and have the money sent from western union there, please get back to me with the confirmation number once it's done.

Hanging here

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
To: Robert Fireman <Firemaner@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 7:57 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

I just called Walmart and they said that they don’t have a western union building in their building.

I was kind of bummed because I just ran out of English muffins and peanut butter and I figured I could send you the money and get my muffins at the same time… but now I am at a standstill.

Perhaps I could just send it in a check via UPS? I heard that UPS is very good, although their uniforms are hideous… like manure.

Anyhow, would UPS work?

I can just write the check now!

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 8:00 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

locate the nearest western union office www.westernunion.com/info/agentLocatorLookup.asp

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber <kbarber@mlg-defaultlaw.com>
To: Robert E Fireman <Firemaner@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 8:09 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

I used that link and it says the closest western union office is 100 miles and will take over two hours in traffic each way!

See:

	5. Merge onto I-95 N
		13.2 mi
	6. Continue onto RI-146 N
		16.1 mi
	7. Continue onto MA-146 N
		17.9 mi

I don’t know if I can just take 4 hours out of work. I could probably threaten my boss with sexual harassment, but that’s a long shot.

I have a FedEx account that I could probably use to send the check. Can I just overnight it via FedEx?

I can’t go after work either because I have like 4 or 5 babies at home and it’s dangerous to leave them alone for more than 4 hours because they need to eat and they go to the bathroom all the time.

Let me know!

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 8:20 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

Omg!!! i can only get the money when you send it by western union,it would be so easy for me and i promise to refund as soon as i get home......

please dont fail me cuz my hope is on you and i would be so happy if you get the money sent and send me the confirmation code.

please help me out and God bless

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
To: Robert E Fireman <Firemaner@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 8:31 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

Okay, my boss is going on his lunch break so I could leave now and just say I got in a fiery car crash and couldn’t get back to work.

So when I go inside the building what do I tell them? Don’t they need an address or something or do they just need your name?

I’m actually starting to get nervous about this, like I’m getting all sweaty in my armpits with worry.

How will I know it goes to you and not someone else in their dirty apartment filled with fruit flies?

I don’t understand how I can give someone money here and I will know it goes to you; just tell the money order goons that it needs to go to Bob Fireman in Maynilla Phillippeans?

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 8:40 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

Thank you for your mail of relief,dont worry because i'm the only one who can pick up the money because you are sending it in my name and i have my passport to claim the money so dont be bothered just get it sent to my name and location....get back to me with the confirmation code that i can use to get the money... see below.

Name :.Robert Fireman

Location: 49 Roxas Boulevard cor. Manila, Philippines

Amount.. $1,950

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber <kbarber@mlg-defaultlaw.com>
To: Robert Fireman <Firemaner@aol.com>
Sent: Tue, Jun 12, 2012 8:47 am
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

No, Bob, thank you for letting me help you after all you have done for me and all my babies… really. I just get nervous for you.

I looked on Google maps to find your location and saw that you’re right near the US Embassy and a satellite police station. I can’t believe they won’t help you as a fellow American!! Communist SWINE!!!

Since it’s such a long drive to the Western Union and since you don’t have a phone, would you like me to call the Embassy and place a complaint? And I would also like to call the police since they are so close and make sure you are okay and no one tries to steal this money from you.

Thankfully I am on lots of welfare for all my babies so I can afford to help you, but I just want to make sure you make it home okay!!

I am in a glass case of emotion right now!!

From: Robert Fireman [mailto:Firemaner@aol.com]
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 8:52 AM
To: Kathryn Barber
Subject: Re: SAD NEWS!!!

thanks for your help but i would still prepare you to get the money sent so i can pay the bills and get home asap,i have limited time here and really cant wait any longer,so please get the money sent and everything would be ok.

Attorney Bob Fireman

678 Sunny Ave.,

Cambridge, MA 90210

phone: 617-354-8005

fax: 617-492-6905

From: Kathryn Barber
Sent: Tuesday, June 12, 2012 9:01 AM
To: 'Robert Fireman'
Subject: RE: SAD NEWS!!!

Ok, I just want to make sure it’s going to be fine…

I just got the confirmation code, it’s: gofuckyourself.

Do people really fall for this shit? I mean, that’s amazing…

Thank you for providing me with some humor and good luck on your future endeavors of being a scumbag trying to scam money.

Cheers!

...the things I must do to keep coworkers from stealing all my spread.

What's Important...

Happiness :)

I do not turn to stone.

I am not your monument of lack
I am an ocean; deep and complicated
Rolling waves like time
Through hair and breath and skin
That cover over where I've cracked
And pieced myself back together
There is no undoing what I have done
But all those things belong to me

I am every hand that I have allowed to touch me
Every curious whisper of a finger
Every bed that I fell asleep in that was not mine
I am the fear that keeps me wide awake
Nested next to every smile from familiar lips
Each laugh that skydives off a mouth

I am that fullness that comes with understanding
Who you are and what you love
I am every aching nagging time
My mind insists "you are where you belong"
I am whole
Reassured to know I won't outgrow this being

I have retreated to the darker corners of my mapless mind
And I am filling in the ditches as I find them

I will not become the things you are not
I can look you in the eye and stand my ground without my sholders stooping

I want you to know the secret spaces in me
That I haven't made my peace with yet

I can gaze into a mirror without turning away

I do not flinch

I do not turn to stone.

Nightmares...

I have been having trouble sleeping again, more nightmares… This time instead of demons or werewolves, my dreams are being invaded by something far more sinister…
Sharon Stone.



I know, pretty awful right? But this past night I had two separate dreams, both involving the horror, that is, Sharon Stone…

The first one involved me being trapped in a space ship or submarine type vehicle with her. She was crazy and killing off the crew with these stiff and sticky tiny blue strings she had coming out of the palms of her hands… They were coated with poison and barbed and she would sneak up behind people and touch them and one would pull off and stick into their skin and they would die…

Now to get around she was popping off the front of all the heating and air vents and sliding into the duct work like a snake… She would pop her face out and look around and come out and kill people…

So we installed these sweeping lasers to try to find her and when they went off we all had to hold perfectly still while they searched for the menace that is, Sharon Stone… At one point in my dream I was near a row of cat boxes and had to lay down on the floor for the laser to go over me, and while I lay there with my face near a box of doodie I thought, "That fucking Sharon Stone is going to pay for this. I am going to kill that bitch."

So I went to a room and lay on the floor to play dead, and I saw her starting to come out of the air vent and she looked at me and said, "Are you dead?" I sat up and said, "Yes I am, come on in." And of course being that it is Sharon Stone, she totally believed me and came slithering in…

At that point Malichai and the kittens woke me up so they could attack my face.



Yeah, they look all little and sweet and innocent there, but in five weeks from the time of this photo, they were little hellions that liked to attack my eyes during my REM sleep which was always a treat.

Anyhow, I moved them nicely away from my face with their razor claws still attached to my lip and forehead… Well, 8 am and me are just not buddies… So I went back to sleep only to be taunted by more horrid images of her…

This time I was running a strip club, and Sharon showed up there to dance to help promote her newest porno, oh I mean movie, Basic Instinct 2… She wore red hot pants and she talked very loud, like a drunken grandmother… Shrieking every thing she said and insisting I go buy her cheeseburgers... but I had no car and I was not willing to walk to buy her any.

Then I told her how my dad was really looking forward to seeing her new movie, because he is 55 and that is the same age as her tits.

Mercifully, I woke up at that point, before my father could show up to oogle Sharon's boobies…

But really people, I dare you to look into the face of Sharon Stone and not have nightmares about her… I double dare you… Go ahead, Google her…

Sweet dreams…

Oh and in case you think I am being a little rough on poor old Sharon, here are a few words of wisdom from her concerning sex, teens and date rape:

"Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them what I believe. Oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

I went for a breast exam once...

I went for a breast exam once. I was young and paranoid. I was not in Rhode Island, which means that it was no surprise when the technician walked in and I thought that she could just as well have been serving me hot wings at Hooters. When I untied my gown, and revealed myself from the waste up; she clapped.



"I'm so psyched!" she squealed. "You're breasts are nice and small! You're going to be so easy! The last woman I had -" she cupped her hands and let them sway and dangle around her waist, "- was, like, huge. It was a nightmare. And the woman before her was at least a C, if not a D - but yours are so nice! You made my day!"



I wondered if she said this because she really meant it, or because she felt bad in some sort of way and thought that these words would make me feel better. She obviously was not aware that I thought that I had breast cancer.

After she was finished and told me I was fine with a ridiculous smile as though she had saved the world, she sat down with a sigh.

"What's wrong?" I asked, although I really did not care.

"All of my friends are getting married…" and she trailed off and shook her head.

"Well, um… how old are you?"

"Twenty-eight! I mean! Well, how old are you?!"

"I'm nineteen. It's on my sheet… that's in your hand." I replied wondering how the HELL this woman was in charge of examining me and coming up with a diagnosis.

"Nineteen! And you're in here and, like, wanting someone to look for breast lumps?!?"

I tried to ignore her improper English.

"C'mon girl! You have your whole life ahead of you. I'm just, this old wives maid…"

I hate it when people fish for compliments. It makes me feel like a Magic 8 Ball - shake me enough, and maybe I'll give you the right answer, phrase, you are looking for.

"Nooooo, you're not an old wives maid! You're beautiful." I can't believe that I am saying this. What I wanted to say is 'no, you're not. But you are an amazing moron that has no idea what to say in a professional situation and I cant IMAGINE what you are like in public.

"You're just saying that…" as she looked away, wishing for more compliments.

"I have to go. I am sorry. Thanks for… um… checking me out."



I decided to get away. More away. It wasn't going to be the romantic getaway that I had previously wanted: a tour of the French vineyards, where a young Frenchmen says, "we enjoy ze wine now, and zen later, time for love, no?" But it was something. Something much better. A backpacking trip through Thailand, Laos, and Cambodia. For many people, this would be nightmare. For me, this would be an adventure.

On the plane, I sat next to a woman in a Mandarin collared business suit with pale, chubby hands she couldn't keep still. She fiddled with several different ways to roll her blanket into a bolster that may support her back. She went through a dozen sticks of sugarless gum. She fluffed and poked at the manic, dark curls of hair that rose out of her head like flames.

The pilot introduced himself as "Capt'n Dave", He said that we should consider the crew our family in the sky. Then, what was clearly an effort to put everyone on board at ease, he launched into a rousing rendition of "Oh, Suzanna" on the harmonica.

Smiling, I said to the woman, "That was so great, wasn't it?"

She shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so. I just hope he's not drunk. You know, a lot of pilots are alcoholics."

I wanted to strangle her for saying that. Like she knew what would piss me off at that moment. Like she knew that my dad is a pilot… and that he is an alcoholic… Like she wanted to take her jagged fingernails and rip a hole in my stomach and pour salt in it and grind it with a mortar.

She must have notice my pupils shrink and eyes narrow.

"Usually, I, ah, really don't like flying. I was on a plane the day 9-11 happened."

Oh. That makes you special. It's almost like YOU WERE ON THE PLANE, right? How many people were on a plane that day? Thousands. You are pathetic, I though.

"Oh, that must have been tough." and I could tell she could sense my agitation.

"Could I have your blanket? I just can't get comfortable." She said as her eyes darted back and forth.

"Sure." and I tried to make kind eye contact as I realized that she was just an idiot and I didn't want to be mean to a stranger.

She went on to describe her many health problems she had endured over the years. They were minor things; a tipped uterus, high cholesterol, an allergy to pigeons. This was when I realized that as bad as it is to sit next to someone who wants to chat the whole flight, it's even worse to sit next to someone who, it seems, wants a hug. This poor woman, I thought, that is until she said: "Are you traveling alone too?"

And there it was: the word "too". As in "also", as in "look at what we have in common!". I wanted to say, "no no no no no, please don't try and lump us together. My compassion for you is based on pity, not on camaraderie."

"Sort of," I explained that I was beginning a backpacking trip in southeast Asia.

"You didn't want to bring a friend?" she asked, sharply.

"I wanted to go now, and I didn't want to wait."

She fluttered her eyes, "I'm sure you get this all the time too, but everyone tells me they can't understand it. They say "what is wrong with this world? How can you be single? You're a beautiful, intelligent, vivacious, sensual woman." and I say, "it's not me, it's the men out there." "Do you get that all the time too?"

At that moment, had the cockpit door not been so tightly locked, I'm sure I would have jumped.



I got to Thailand fine. I didn't jump.