Thursday, March 18, 2010

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 5 - Priorities

Priorities are a funny thing. Every day we set them whether we mean to or not. For example; I will be running late for work and I need both gas and cigarettes, but do not have time for both. You can bet your bottom dollar I am getting smokes. Why? Because if I happen to run out of gas (which hasn’t happened yet), at least I will have a full pack of smokes and a decent reason as to why I am going to be late. Now, you may be reading that thinking, “How stupid. You are willing to run out of gas in order to have a pack of cigarettes? Your priorities are messed up.” I beg to differ.

But you know whose are? Go on. Guess. Wild guess. Whose priorities are messed up?

::applause:: That’s right!! Troy’s!!


We have finally, finally, finally, moved into the house (yeayy!!). Understandably, we do not have everything we need, never mind the things we merely want. Some of the “biggies” being a mirror in the bathroom, a couch, milk, bread… you get the idea.

We started our move on a Sunday morning and in all honesty, the bagging, packing and unloading took very little time, as we were essentially moving only a bedroom. Once everything was in the house we had to begin the painstaking task of deciding where everything should go, in what order things should be hung in the closet, and so on. About 15 minutes into this task Troy informs me of something that must happen:

Troy: I need to get a surround sound system.

Me: Okay. Want to check prices tonight and then… (cutoff)

Troy: No. Right now.

Me: What? Are you serious?

Troy: Yes.

Me: Have you looked around? Do you realize that there are some other, much more important things that need to be done?

Troy: You can do it. You’re better at this than I am.

Me: It’s not a matter of whether I am better at putting away clothes than you are, it is a matter of fact that they need to be put away and I don’t want to do it by myself and then have you criticize it and I know you will.

Troy: No I won’t.

Me: I don’t care. I want you to help me.

Troy: I am going to get a surround sound system.


Troy: ::pulls me into him, kisses me nicely:: (a few seconds pass)………. I am going to get a surround sound system.

Me: ::sigh::

***3 hours pass*** (all the clothes are now put away in the closet and dressers)

Troy walks though the doors… empty handed…

Me: So? Where is it?

Troy: The one I wanted was broken.

Me: That took 3 hours?

Troy: I think I can have my parent’s system. They don’t use it. I am going to go get it.

Me: Damn it, Troy! I need your help with all this!!

Troy: I’ll be right back.

Me: ::sigh::

***1 hour passes*** (I have moved on and continued to sort and organize)

Troy comes home with his parent’s Bose surround system.

Me: Thank God. I could really use your help in the room.

Troy: Ok, I’ll be right in.

Quite some time passes… I go back into the living room and this is what I find:


Yes. Yes, that is Troy, sitting on the floor dicking around with the goddamned surround sound system.

So, yeah. Priorities... Mine? Not always perfectly set… but certainly not as bad as his.

Number 79 Completed from my 101 Tasks in 1001 Days!!

I totally forgot to update that Number 79 has been completed from my 101 Tasks in 1001 Days!!

The Troyskis and I did, in fact, go to Thompson Speedway and had a freakin' blast and even a few adult beverages =)

Photographic proof:


The Troyskis and Me - Volume 4 - Annoying Things

Every couple that I know has stories about how the “other” does all this random shit that annoys them to no end. Troy and I are no different.

Testing Items
<*>For some unknown reason, Troy ABSOLUTELY MUST “test” random items. Now by “test”, I mean he finds it necessary to physically assault it with his hand with a swift downward motion that instantly almost destroys it.

You are probably going, “huh?”.

Here is an example:

Troy enters the kitchen to notice a steak defrosting and marinating in a Ziploc bag on the countertop. He fancies around a bit looking for snacks, but his mind has been set. I lit a smoke and continue talking about my day. As soon as my attention is turned to something other than his face, WHACK!!. He has brought his hand down with such force upon this steak in the Ziploc bag that it has burst all over the countertop. Why? Ask him. Go on, ask him. He’s “testing it”. He has also proceeded to test a watermelon, resulting in it cracking right down the middle. A cantaloupe resulting in it being flattened on one side. A bag of sealed dog food which obviously resulted in the bag exploding kibbles and bits all over the kitchen. I have not the words for this phenomenon. But it is real. I promise you that.

Being In The Way
<*> Wherever I'm standing is where Troy needs to be standing, and vice versa. It doesn't matter where we are - the kitchen, the bathroom, Scotland - we each infuriatingly occupy the space where the other one wants to be, urgently. Over the years we've developed signals for this situation. Troy’s is to stand behind me and mutter under his breath. Mine is to shoulder-charge him out of the way.

Nail Clippers
<*> Ok. I don’t give a damn if once I have used the nail clippers whether they are put back open or closed. To me, it makes more sense to leave them in the open-clipper-ready-to-go mode so if a hangnail is about to rip open you can quickly address it an move on instead of fuddling with the damn things to open and so on. Troy accuses me of “doing this deliberately to annoy him”.

Size, Weight, and General Blemishes
<*> It’s not news that I am tall; freakishly tall at that. And it’s not news that Troy is a big man himself. The difference? I look at him and see Troy. Sometimes I notice a little weight gain or a little zit or something, but for the most part, I do not notice because I adore him regardless. He, on the other hand, likes to tell me (in a joking manner) pointing such things out… which makes me want to strangle him with a wire coat hanger. Some examples:

Troy: ::finger directly in my face:: Whoa! You know you have a zit right there?

Me: Yes. I am aware.

Troy: ::hands cupped around his pectorals:: What happened?

Me: Excuse me?

Troy: What happened? That first night we met your boobs were so big. What happened?

Me: I lost weight. And unfortunately that is one of the first places I lose it from.

Troy: Well, put it back on then!

Me: I hate you.

Troy: ::while gripping my love handles:: Oh, what’s this? Puttin’ it back on I see!

Me: What the hell, Troy! Stop it!

Troy: ::attempting to again grab my sides to wiggle them::

Me: STOP IT!! And you’re one to talk!! Look at your belly!!

Troy: Yeah, but mine’s gradual.

That is not made up. He said it. I just looked at him in disbelief.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 3 - The (inevitable) “Who do you think is attractive?” Incident

Ok. So I will willingly admit that I am strange. I never, ever, at any time, for any reason want to know who Troy finds attractive. I can guess just fine, thank you. I do not want it said. Why? Because then the inevitable comparing in my head happens (but she’s got strawberry-blonde hair, why would he like that, does he not like my hair, is he trying to tell me something, and it’s short, I hate short hair, what a whore) and by this time whatever show we are watching is useless to me because I have missed a good 30 seconds and have lost interest. I know. I know. I am crazy.

In turn, I do not want to discuss who I happen to find sexy as hell. I find it uncomfortable and as to why people, i.e. couples, do this… I will never understand. Gross weirdoes, the lot of ya.

For whatever reason, one night, Troy was compelled to know this information.

Troy: You think he’s good looking? (Brad Pitt is on and Troy is more accusing than asking)

Me: Not really.

Troy: Really?

……..about 17 seconds pass while he is thinking thoughts that I cannot even imagine….

Troy: Sooooo, who do you think is good looking?

Me: We are not having this conversation. It’s weird and you are going to judge me on who I say and then bring it up at inopportune times. No.

Troy: C’moooon!! Who? Just tell me. C’mon! Whyyy?

Me: No.

Troy: Please?

Me: No.

::Repeat this about thirty times::

Troy: CMOOON!!!

Me: FINE YOU LUNATIC!!!! Harrison Ford. (hmmmmm…(shhhh))

ford Pictures, Images and Photos


Me: Shut your stupid face!!! This is why I didn’t want to tell you!!

Troy: Ok. Okokokok…… Someone else.


Troy: C’mon.

::Repeat again about 30 times::

Me: Fine. Mike Rowe. (omgggg (shhhh))

Mike Rowe Pictures, Images and Photos

Troy: From Dirty Jobs?!?!? (while looking at me like I have ten heads and a snot dangling off my lip)

Me: Whatever. Conversation over.

Now, flash forward to a week later. We begin watching the first season of Prison Break with is not only an amazing show but is starring Wentworth Miller who is just so sexy it hurts me physically. A few episodes in we shared a bottle (or 3) of wine and I was feeling just wonderful. Just before one of the breaks in the show where normally they would go to commercial break, they show a close up of Mr. Miller without his shirt on and his sexy face just sparkling with sexiness and uhhhhhhgggggkljdskfj… anyhow, I happened to accidentally slip.

Wentworth Miller Pictures, Images and Photos

Me: Uhhhhhhhggg. Wow.

Troy: What?

Me: Ah, nothing.

Troy: You think he’s hot!


Me: Yes. Yes I do.

Troy: Whatever. That chick’s wicked hot. (referring to the female who is clinically insane and kills people with ease and is just generally evil and you are made to inherently think she deserved to be quartered by horses).

Jodi Lynn OKeefe Prison Break Pictures, Images and Photos

Now, under normal circumstances, I would have been annoyed at that comment. By annoyed I mean… well, lets not go there. You know that I am crazy… use your imagination. However, when he said this, it was clearly to even the playing field.

Me: Whatever.

I win.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 2 - The Bean Bag Incident

Troy and I are forever in competition. Always. For anything. i.e. first through a door, the most middlest seat at the movies, bigger handful of whateverwehappentobeeating, etc. However, it always takes a particular turn for the worse in two situations. The first is providing we are either in public or people are watching because there will be witnesses to the losing person’s failure, and the winner’s domination. The other, of course, is any game or show of precision or strength or pure physical Godliness. There will probably be hundreds of stories with this theme as it is constant.

Troy and I go to his friend’s farm in the middle of nowhere. At said farm, there are few things to do. The extent of which is drinking, talking, and competition. This particular day, we’ll call him “Paul” had made two boxes with holes on the top, complete with assorted bean bags that you were to lob from a predetermined location through the hole in the box. The boxes were placed about 30 feet apart and the people playing would face each other. Now, mix in a few hours of drinking. The next obvious thing to happen is that the hole in the box is no longer the only target. The new object was to get the other person to believe that you are waiting for them to lob the bag into the hole, and once they believe that, concentrate, aim and go to toss it, you HUM your bean bag directly at their face. If you hit them, it is hysterical and everyone laughs and then waits for retaliation.

Nothing is more fun to Troy than a chance to one-up me (I’m sure someday he’ll read this and deny it adamantly). So Troy and I begin to play. It is immediately obvious that I am far superior when it comes to getting the bag in the hole (that’s what she said! ZING!) This coupled with the fact that about 10 of Troy’s friends were watching, caused him to think that the next appropriate course of action will be to wait until I am “in the zone”, about to sink, yet another bag, and HUM his bean bag as hard as he can directly at my eye-socket. Me, being amazing, saw his plan and easily avoided his throw. This not only infuriated him, but also pissed me off because I was quite content winning and now revenge had to be taken.

I have one characteristic in my pocket that comes in quite helpful. I can wait, very patiently, to act on revenge. Literally, I can wait DAYS. On this day, I waited about 15 minutes, once the game was over and his injury had been inflicted in the form of his losing to me. Once we began to walk back to his friends, I graciously took this opportunity to HUM my bean bag at his back and successfully both surprise and slightly injure him.

This was bad. As soon as it hit, I immediately (almost) regretted it. He turned around slowly, so as to be sure that it was in fact I who had just wholloped him.

When Troy does things slowly, be scared. Be afraid. Run.

He slowly bent over to pick up the bean bag while I was laughing nervously while screaming “I only did it to get you back!! And I didn’t even throw it hard!! You know you had that coming, though!! Wait!! Put that down!! TROYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”

By the last bit there, when I was screaming his name, I was simultaneously RUNNING FOR MY LIFE. I kept turning this way and that, glancing backwards in an attempt to outsmart him like an antelope running from a big fucking evil cheetah.

You think you know how this ends. But not to the extent.

The extent was not only that he didn’t have to catch up to me to get me, which is obvious because he wasn’t planning on tickling me with the bean bag. The extent of the power behind his throw of that rocketbag could have knocked down the Wall of China and smashed it over into Japan. You see, his hitting me with the little sac was detrimental to his manhood and the fact that there were far too many witnesses to just let this go. The result? About a four inch by four inch area on the backside of my thigh in which he had successfully broken every blood vessel meanwhile causing a massive welt.

leg bruise Pictures, Images and Photos

(Obviously, this is not me… and this may be a slight exaggeration… but I wanted to give you a visual) **Update - I used to have a good photo from photobucket to use for this but it was deleted and when I searched again, I couldn't help but put this man's chubby buns up for my example** HA!

You’d think that I would consider this each time I mess with Troy… each time I press him to the brink of insanity… each time he bends over to put his shoes on and I simply MUST slap his ass AS HARD AS I CAN… each time he is playing video games and I must bombard him with questions and then stand in front of the tv screen if he doesn’t answer fast enough… you’d think I would…

Nope. =)

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Troyskis and Me - Volume 1 - The Vicodin Incident

So… I would guess that if someone was to read, let’s say, my status updates on Facebook, and sum those tid-bits up as my day-to-day life, one would probably be under the impression that I do little more than work, drink, love my Troyskis and Littles in a magical perfect land called Home, and sleep. Wait… well that is actually somewhat true… It was meant to be drastic and funny and obviously not, but… Any who… I have refrained from telling FB, friends, the world, of all the little ridiculous things that happen, the arguments, and other funny happenings between Troy and I out of a mix of the fact that:

1. I hardly see my friends anymore since I am one of two things at all times (being either terribly busy or equally terribly lazy) and;

2. I know, I tell terribly long, drawn out stories that by the time I get to my point you’ve had it with me… I can’t help it… I inherited it from my mother, who in fact, points it out to me constantly, herself limping around in denial when it is her upbringing that has caused this blemish in my storytelling capability.

In addition, it was recently brought to my attention that I am “never” stewing mad at/planning on killing my boyfriend. Apparently, there are some of you out there that believe that Troy and I are one of the happiest couples that have ever existed and our problems never get worse than running out of milk or a frightful minute or two when the remote for the TV can’t be found. This is not true. And once this was brought to my attention, my brain began to fill with all this stuff that I have now decided must be told, if not for the sole reason, to free the idea from people’s heads that Troy and I just bask in each other’s awesomeness day and night…

Let’s start with:

The Vicodin Incident

One day long, long ago… probably mid-August… Troy injured his back doing something incredibly manly such as log chopping or rock moving or whatever else it is that he does that is typically in excess when I am not around.


As a result he went to the Doctor who prescribed him some Vicodin to ease the throbbing pain. Now, as manly and amazing that Troy is, he is no doctor. Nor does he believe in such silly things as “reading the little pamphlet that comes with medicine”. Same as he doesn’t believe in such silly things as “Instruction Manuals” or those “Assembly Instructions” which always leave us with “x” amount of screws or bolts that Troy then insists were “extras”.

A week goes by and I am under the assumption that since there has been no incessant whining for a few days that his back pain is gone and so are his Vicodin. We decide to get a movie and a bottle (or 3) of wine. Fast-forward 3 hours and bottles of wine later, I am exhausted and ready for bed; and amazingly so is Troy, so we cuddle in for the night.

3 a.m.: I am awakened by slight pushing and tapping on my upper body and general unapproved moving about in the bed. I begin to come to from my slumber to know 3 things for certain:

1. It is 3 a.m.;

2. It is hardly light enough to see much of anything, except;

3. Troy is sitting nervously on his knees and asking me questions with some unknown urgency.

By now, 10 seconds have passed and I know I am not dreaming. I ask Troy why he has woken me up.

Me: Troy, what is going on?

Troy: (with angry furrowed eyebrows while hissing) Do you see this?


Troy now points at the floor repeatedly and seemingly furiously.

I am beyond confused as I have just been woken up and come to my own conclusion that one of the legs on the bed must have broken and although I couldn’t tell, we were on an angle and this has woken and angered Troy.

I peer over the side of the bed and see nothing. I look back at Troy who is not only angry for some reason that I cannot determine, but he is livid with me now.

Me: What the hell is going on?

Troy: (livid) IT’S LIKE THIS!!!!! ::Troy is now making signs via Secret Troy Sign Language - that looks to be like he is showing me how to write an “N” DIRECTLY in front of my nose::

I have never been so confused in my life.

Me: I simply do not know what the hell you are doing, why you are mad, or what you are trying to sign to me.

Troy: ………..

Without another word, he gets under the blankets and within about 7 seconds is snoring like a bear.


10 a.m.

Me: What was that last night?

Troy: What?

Me: ::Does a play-by-play of what happened not 6 hours earlier::

Troy: That really happened?

Me: Yup.

Troy: Wow. I had a dream that we were stuck on the bed on top of a mountain and we had to keep it balanced or we were going to go down the mountain… and you kept moving and going towards the edge…

Me: Huh. So, you still had some of those nice little pills left over… and mixed them with wine, huh? You know it’s terribly dangerous to mix such potent narcotic pain reliever and alcohol? You didn’t read that little pamphlet that came with those drugs, did you?

Troy: What pamphlet?


Slaaaackin'!!!! OOf...

Arg! Sweetbabyfreakinjehsus. I am terrible at this updating the blog thing. Really. Big things have changed mi amigos. Um, for one, Troyskis and I have moved into our house!!! Whoot whoot!! Yeah. Ok, really that was the only big thing, so… on to business.

I have, in fact, gotten many more things done from my list… Fuck. If I hear this “gimme back that fillet o’ fish, gimme that fish” commercial one more time, ugh. Ok, I am not going to do anything. It’s just always on, and it’s so catchy that whatever I’m doing must stop and my brain is tantalized for 20 second or so and then I have to try to get back to work, or driving or cleaning (as my radio is always on…) I digress.

OH!! But before I digress all the way to the important stuff I would like to note that I have begun recording (written, not video tape… that’s creepy) – little Troyskis and Skis stories… why? Because they are usually pretty funny. I think I will start updating this blog with them shortly.

Shit dude. Let’s get rockin’ on the accomplishments here.

13. Watch a horror movie and get over it. I did, in fact, watch a horror movie. It was a Japanese horror film called Audition. Firstly, I would like to note, honestly, I did not know this was a horror film and so this was accomplished inadvertently. did a piece on the 100 best films of the decade, it was on there, Netflix had it ready, I put it on. It wasn’t until aboot halfway through that I realized this film was ohhh, just a little “off”. By the end, I was ruined. And people keep asking me “blaaahhh why didn’t you just turn it off blahhahsihdf”. Fuck you, I say. By the end of this film I was FROZEN. UNABLE TO MOVE. The remote was on the bed, but I could not stop. Terrible. Go watch it and ruin the next month of your life. Go ahead.

15. Buy a nice, proper, pair of pajamas and give Troyskis back his gross sweats ;). I also buckled down and got me a nice pair of sexy pj’s that are MINE =) and they’re sexy and silky and comfy but bottom line is they are exactly what I outline: nice and proper (and just a little trashy) lol no sah. The picture is not exact, but similar all the same =)

22. Try 10 new recipes (3/10) – Oh yes mi hombres. I have been cooking like a whore in church since we moved into the house. Hmmm, I make a Mexican Pizza which was essentially a taco pizza, which was essentially amazing. I made my first corned beef and OMFG it was scrumptious. OH! And ohmysweetmaryjoseph… I made some BBQ pork ribs that were evil. Evil because they were so tasty. There were other things but I have lost interest on this topic, so I will claim 3 out of my 10 at this time.

30. Make my mom that cracked corn thing that I promised her for Christmas last year – Done!! AND!! I made some for the whole family too (especially seeing how the fat old broad at the farm refused to sell me any less than 75 fucking pounds of cracked corn so, yeah, my hand was forced – my choices being either dig a hole and bury the whole godforsaken bag, or suck it up and make about 25 of those bags).

I made big progress with family stuff too… as I should… and I’ve been an “adult” now for a while and all that crap. But I consider all these completed.

31. Call my mom at least once a week for a month (3/4)
32. Call my dad at least once a week for a month (4/4)
33. Call my brother at least once a week for a month (4/4)
34. Go visit my damn old dog once a week for a month (3/4)

Eyyy… ok. I need to call my mom once more. And I need to visit my dog another time or two. But shit. I’ve been a good girl =)

56. Go to Hong Kong with my Troyskis – (February 22, 2010 through March 1, 2010) Done!!! Seems we just got home… and it was terrific!!!! Pictures may follow, but I am lazy and it may be a while…

73. Watch 26 random movies, one for each letter of the alphabet – Wow. Ok, I got a lot o’shit going on for this one… so hold onto your hats.

B – Boys Don’t Cry – Whew. This one was a doozy. And the rape scene was so intense I had to shut it off for a while before resuming. Regardless of the ruthless violence and the incomparable uncomfortableness that reeks from this film, it was incredible… and I figure if a film can make me have such strong feelings, be them good or bad, it must be good.

E – Elizabeth – Allllright, yeah, I had already seen this film, HOWEVER – I don’t count it because I was young and didn’t fully understand the plot as I do now as a slightly more educated adult. Highly entertaining time piece and I loved it!!

J- Ju Dou – A terrific Chinese tragedy (lol not funny haha double negative oxymoron). Story: A woman gets married off to a violent, brutal, and infertile owner of a dye mill in rural China. She ends up conceiving a son with her husband's nephew, but is forced to raise her son as her husband's heir without revealing who his real father is. Great film as long as you can get past the fact that it was made in 1990 which means it is ANCIENT. Lol (in Chinese with subtitles).

M – Magdelene Sisters – A film about four women who are forced into the Magdelene Asylum for young women in Ireland mid 60’s. The asylum was run like a prison and the girls were treated like inmates and not allowed to leave as this was the place where “fallen” women were sent. Upon realizing how incredibly corrupt this place is and how brutal the women in charge could be, and upon discovering what one of the popes were doing, the four young women decide to break out. Based on a true story (my favorites =)

N – Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind – Cute little anime flick that was super creative and awesome and I am getting lazy with typing so whatever.

O – Obsessed – I was psyched for this film, but, fuckin’ A, Beyonce and blonde lady from Heros! It was terrible. Terrible. Buh. Gag.

R – Raise the Red Lantern - After her father's death, nineteen year old Songlian is forced to marry Chen Zuoqian, the lord of a powerful family. Fifty year old Chen has already three wives, each of them living in separate houses within the great castle. The competition between the wives is tough, as their master's attention carries power, status and privilege. Each night Chen must decide with which wife to spend the night and a red lantern is lit in front of the house of his choice. And each wife schemes and plots to make sure it's hers. However, things get out of hand. LOVED IT!! (in Chinese with subtitles).

T - Tsosti - In Johannesburg, the small time criminal Tsotsi is a teenager without feelings, hardened by his tough life. After killing a man with his gang in a robbery; hitting the gangster Boston of his gang; humiliating a crippled beggar along one night, Tsotsi hijacks a car and under the despair of a woman, he shoots her in the stomach. While driving the car, Tsotsi finds that there is a baby on the back seat and the woman was a desperate mother. He brings the baby to his house in the slum and becomes attached to him. For six days, the baby changes his behavior, arousing and developing the sense of empathy and humanity in the cold blood killer. (in South African with subtitles).

Blugh, I don’t feel like doing this anymore. So, this is all for now.