Troy and I are forever in competition. Always. For anything. i.e. first through a door, the most middlest seat at the movies, bigger handful of whateverwehappentobeeating, etc. However, it always takes a particular turn for the worse in two situations. The first is providing we are either in public or people are watching because there will be witnesses to the losing person’s failure, and the winner’s domination. The other, of course, is any game or show of precision or strength or pure physical Godliness. There will probably be hundreds of stories with this theme as it is constant.
Troy and I go to his friend’s farm in the middle of nowhere. At said farm, there are few things to do. The extent of which is drinking, talking, and competition. This particular day, we’ll call him “Paul” had made two boxes with holes on the top, complete with assorted bean bags that you were to lob from a predetermined location through the hole in the box. The boxes were placed about 30 feet apart and the people playing would face each other. Now, mix in a few hours of drinking. The next obvious thing to happen is that the hole in the box is no longer the only target. The new object was to get the other person to believe that you are waiting for them to lob the bag into the hole, and once they believe that, concentrate, aim and go to toss it, you HUM your bean bag directly at their face. If you hit them, it is hysterical and everyone laughs and then waits for retaliation.
Nothing is more fun to Troy than a chance to one-up me (I’m sure someday he’ll read this and deny it adamantly). So Troy and I begin to play. It is immediately obvious that I am far superior when it comes to getting the bag in the hole (that’s what she said! ZING!) This coupled with the fact that about 10 of Troy’s friends were watching, caused him to think that the next appropriate course of action will be to wait until I am “in the zone”, about to sink, yet another bag, and HUM his bean bag as hard as he can directly at my eye-socket. Me, being amazing, saw his plan and easily avoided his throw. This not only infuriated him, but also pissed me off because I was quite content winning and now revenge had to be taken.
I have one characteristic in my pocket that comes in quite helpful. I can wait, very patiently, to act on revenge. Literally, I can wait DAYS. On this day, I waited about 15 minutes, once the game was over and his injury had been inflicted in the form of his losing to me. Once we began to walk back to his friends, I graciously took this opportunity to HUM my bean bag at his back and successfully both surprise and slightly injure him.
This was bad. As soon as it hit, I immediately (almost) regretted it. He turned around slowly, so as to be sure that it was in fact I who had just wholloped him.
When Troy does things slowly, be scared. Be afraid. Run.
He slowly bent over to pick up the bean bag while I was laughing nervously while screaming “I only did it to get you back!! And I didn’t even throw it hard!! You know you had that coming, though!! Wait!! Put that down!! TROYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!”
By the last bit there, when I was screaming his name, I was simultaneously RUNNING FOR MY LIFE. I kept turning this way and that, glancing backwards in an attempt to outsmart him like an antelope running from a big fucking evil cheetah.
You think you know how this ends. But not to the extent.
The extent was not only that he didn’t have to catch up to me to get me, which is obvious because he wasn’t planning on tickling me with the bean bag. The extent of the power behind his throw of that rocketbag could have knocked down the Wall of China and smashed it over into Japan. You see, his hitting me with the little sac was detrimental to his manhood and the fact that there were far too many witnesses to just let this go. The result? About a four inch by four inch area on the backside of my thigh in which he had successfully broken every blood vessel meanwhile causing a massive welt.
(Obviously, this is not me… and this may be a slight exaggeration… but I wanted to give you a visual) **Update - I used to have a good photo from photobucket to use for this but it was deleted and when I searched again, I couldn't help but put this man's chubby buns up for my example** HA!
You’d think that I would consider this each time I mess with Troy… each time I press him to the brink of insanity… each time he bends over to put his shoes on and I simply MUST slap his ass AS HARD AS I CAN… each time he is playing video games and I must bombard him with questions and then stand in front of the tv screen if he doesn’t answer fast enough… you’d think I would…